Ministry of Heat Affairs’ Official Guide to Chili
It’s definitely official. There’s a stamp, or there was. Greg lost it.
There are thousands of chili guides in the world.
This is the only one approved by a nation with no borders, no standing army, and a very strict sauce clause. In the Republic of Heat, chilis are not just food. They are fire. They are folklore. They are the reason Gary from Logistics once achieved astral projection at a barbecue in Bielefeld.
We believe spice should be shared, not standardised.
That flavour and fire can coexist (awkwardly, like flatmates who’ve kissed once).
And that a monthly subscription box can, in fact, be a revolutionary act.
In this guide, the Ministry of Heat Affairs will walk you through:
What is a Scoville, really?
And why it remains the most respectable way to hurt yourself in public.
Chili Varieties
From the dependable jalapeño to the Bhut Jolokia, which legally qualifies for its own warning sign.
Flavour vs. Fire
Because “mild” is not a character flaw, and “insane heat” is not always a personality (but is accepted at The Republic of Heat)
Pairings and Purposes
Which chili belongs in your curry, which in your taco, and which in your regrettable 2am life decisions.
The Sauce Directory (coming soon)
A growing compendium of indie sauces across Europe.
Reviewed by the Republic’s citizens.
Ranked by flavour, fire, and the number of minutes it took someone to cry.
We are not scientists.
We are not chefs.
We are simply citizens.
Clad in duck shorts.
Fueled by dopamine and dried Carolina Reapers.
This is not just a guide.
This is the start of your mildly unhinged, highly flavorful diplomatic relationship with the Republic of Heat.
FAQ: Frequently Asked Chili Questions
Filed by the Ministry of Heat Affairs, Edited by the Ministry of Label Lore & Bottle Truth
Q: What’s the difference between a chili and a pepper?
A: Nothing. Everything. Depends who you ask. Botanically, they’re the same. In the Republic, if it burns your lips and ruins a Tuesday meeting, we call it a chili. If it burns on the way out too we call it a good chili.
Q: What’s a Scoville unit and can I pay my taxes in it?
A: A Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) measures how spicy a chili is, based on how much it has to be diluted before you cry less. No, you can’t pay your taxes with it. We’ve tried.
Q: What’s the hottest chili in the world?
A: It changes depending on who’s showing off. Carolina Reaper held the crown, but newer mutants like Pepper X are coming for the throne. We assume they’re grown in volcanoes.
Q: Is it true some chilis are sweet?
A: Yes, and they should not be trusted. Sweet chilis are the smiling assassins of the spice world.
Q: How do I build chili tolerance?
A: Start slow. Eat more. Repeat. Drink milk. Do not listen to Carl when he says “this one isn’t that bad.” Carl lies.
Q: Why does it burn twice?
A: The digestive journey is long and vengeful. What enters must also exit, and the Republic recommends soft toilet paper, pre-frozen if possible, and emotional support. Also ice-cream helps, flavour doesn’t matter.
Q: I accidentally touched my eye after chopping chilies. Am I dying?
A: Possibly. But mostly just temporarily. Wash your hands. Then wash your soul. Don’t touch anything else. You’ll regret it.
Q: Are chili seeds the hottest part?
A: No. It’s the white membrane (the placenta, if you’re into botany or horror). But go ahead and blame the seeds. They’re used to it.
Q: Which chili should I start with?
A: Try a jalapeño or a mild habanero sauce. If you survive, move up. If not, we’ll send thoughts, prayers and a bucket of milk. Or ice cream (see above).
Q: Can I join the Republic if I don’t like spicy food?
A: Of course. We also welcome those who cry easily and need to build character. First box is therapy. Second box is war.